Alrighty everyone, because news travels quickly here in College Station, there's no use keepin' it a secret.
Bad News: Yes, I no longer work at Harley-Davidson. Yes, I was fired. Yes, it was my fault and it was irresponsible.
Good News: I got a new job with the same pay less than an hour after I was fired. I mean I actually filled out the W4 before I was even interviewed. I now work for Kyle Marko's parents!
I'm not gonna lie, I made Harley out to be a dream job to anyone who listened. I mean, how often does one get to ride a motorcycle on the job? In the freezing cold? On the same route that smells because it's next to the dump? One that has no twisties? On the same damn bikes over and over? Hmmm... doesn't sound as great as Phil made it out to sound! Even then, I only got to ride them maybe once every two days I worked. So that's not all that great. It's seriously only maybe 8 minutes of riding. So the rest of the time you're cleaning underneath the damn touring packs on the Ultra Classics (the big gay mooooose bikes you see around). You also get tired of hearing people getting after you for trying to take initiative and doing a job a more efficient way. The worst part of the job was that no matter how much progress you made in the last week, you mess up once or forget to do one little thing and you're back to square one. Oh, and no more "Bubbles" and no more danger of getting trenchfoot back in the bay! It was fun while it lasted =)
Ok, now that the "important" stuff is out of the way, HA. Nothing's changed except location.
Let's talk about something far more interesting. Stupid things!
Tim's 24th birthday party was amazing. On Friday night I went over to his place and there we were with a keg of Ziegenbock and plenty of whiskey and other stuff for boozehounds like me. Note to all Probation Officers and People of the Law that read: No, I did not drink to intoxication or did I contribute alcohol to minors. Now that the legal stuff is out of the way, I want you all to know that "takin' licks" from a wooden axe handle is not the most fun of A&M Bonfire traditions. I in no way wished to partake in this event, but Tim requested it as his birthday present. FINE. So most of you have never met Brute before. Brute is a big dude. This is why he's named "Brute." Brute had the axe handle. The axe handle hurts on impact. The bruise on my left butt cheek hurts even more. It's ok, Tim got owned as well and so did about 20 other people. I also saw a guy dunk his Aggie Ring in 12 seconds in a full pitcher of Ziegenbock. Yes. Yes I did.
I apparently thought getting on the roof would be a good idea. Thanks Benni for that boost! Ass. Once I was up there I didn't really feel like getting down. But of course Tim got up as soon as I got down and then couldn't figure out where I had vanished to.
I also acted like an old man with a walking stick. I pushed my glasses down to the tip of my nose, hunched over and had a pipe in my mouth. Oh yeah, I was classy and was smoking from a pipe. Good times!
Brute on the other hand did not have such a good night. Karma came back and roughed him up a bit =) Hehe, well deserved! He passed out in the bathroom downstairs and then proceeded to pass out in the bathroom UPstairs! That'll teach you to hit people with wood...
I'm posting as quickly as possible, because this story is by far not as interesting as the Dog Lady, but all is well. Like I've said before, it's my blog and you're here because you want to be.
Night Two.
I woke up around 3pm feeling pretty crappy from what MUST have been bad eggs from the night before ;) Uh oh, Felipe was supposed to have been at work at 7:30am...WAY TO GO FOOL. Anyways...Tim needs me. Without me his is nothing. Without me his parties are nothing. How could I not have shown up? =) Went to go eat with Tim at Wendy's and then went to Arsenal Tattoo. He wanted to see if he could get his tattoo scheduled on a certain day, or possibly right then if the apprentice was available. Andre (or Andres?) just so happened to be busy at 7pm, but was free then! Sweet! I've never been present whilst someone was getting stabbed with an inky needle! I was also super stoked that I was going to see Tim in pain, because he causes a lot of misery to others and retribution should always be swift and painful. He decided to get a quote on his ribs from an old german mystic/prophet:
Those who begin by
Burning books will
End by burning men.
Right before the Nazis came to power apparently. Don't know the credibility but it's a pretty neat tattoo.
Yep, I'll probably be getting one soon. I talked with the apprentice and I'm thinking something on the lines of a Crusader-style cross...something with a Knight...coat of armsish...I dunno. We shall see.
So after seeing him squeal like a little girl (no he was alright I guess, could have been more manly though) we seperated and I went over to Chris Bundicks. Yep, another ring dunk. This time 5 people were dunking their rings. Caroline and her roommates showed up, along with a LOT of other people. Old coworkers, random friends, you name it. Good times. Chris vomited once and placed last in the ring drunk (or dunk.) To be fair, everyone else spilled beer all over their shirts while he spilled almost nothing. Victory is yours Chris. There was rooftop drinking and beer pong, speed quarters, and waterfall. I told Caroline (although she probably doesn't remember) and others that I would post about new rules that stem from those wonderful moments at the party =) We will put them in list format, because I like to do that for some reason...
1. Anti-Freeze will forever be made with everclear.
2. People under 5'5'' should abstain from as much Anti-Freeze as possible. Hehehe
3. Cell Phones will remain under their owners control. If your name is J.R. you will abide by this rule on pain of death.
4. Switching between parties is a no-no if you are a host. This means you Chris. That other party sucked anyways.
5. You must now warn others before you vomit by A)Running around in circles B)The Universal Choking Gesture or C)Making loud funny noises that sound almost but not entirely unlike a seal.
6.Vomiting on your hands is no longer considered stylish (SORRY Caroline! I had to! Hehehe)
7. If you do not accompany persons on a trip to a place of food, you are not entitled to complain about your lack of receiving food or the other's auspiciousness unless the other party confirms your want and selection of food. (Steelie, you're a bastard. McDonald's had no tacos.) It may help to apply for food in triplicate =)
After waking up without the bothersome noise of a cell phone, Chris and I decided that we were gonna go to Houston. Yeah. 'Cause why not? Kevin and Clay were down their showing off Clay's 1991 VW MK3 G60? I can't remember which Mark it was. But that doesn't matter. Road trips are badass. Me and C-Thuggin hit up the outlet malls out there right outside Houston for the sole reason that we could. Yeah, making your own schedule is nice.
I got some new sunglasses that dope as hell. Yeah, I said that =) They're fake Ferrari brand hehehe.
Got home and made it in bed at around 9:30 and fell asleep around 11pm. Not bad. A very good weekend surprisingly.
So here I am at 4:40pm on Monday and I've got nothing else for y'all. I think I might go get a gym membership here and go shopping for a crapload of food.
I'll post up again soon. Maybe even tonight. Who knows?
Somewhere in Wiscaaansin,
P-Thuggin v2.4
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Nothin' Much
Like the title says, nothing much to say today! I slept til 3pm. Yeah, it's my day off so I can do that. Just read some more of Clear and Present Danger (Tom Clancy kicks Gluteus Maximus) and did some laundry. Boring? Yeah.
I had Caroline over for dinner and made chicken enchiladas with green verde sauce for her, Bennio and David. Thanks Eric for the great recipe! The sauce wasn't green. Does it matter if it tastes good? Watched Cloverfield with everyone and took Caroline for her first motorcycle ride ever. Cold + Motorcycle = Frozen Fun. Thank God I have a liner for my jacket. +1 for shooting stars!
In other news, I didn't know that Katy Dillon was in Norway! Shows how little I know about any of my extended family! Katy, don't freeze. We never have enough beer at our family funerals, so....unless you're going to make a social event out of it, don't die =)
Motorcycle Stuff:
Most likely ordering a new tire on Friday so I can get more corner carving in.
I'm going to attempt soaking my chain in kerosene and see if I can get the kinks out and keep that surging down. I also need to get on changing the oil. Definitely needs to be done ASAP!
Ooo! I can use the sandblasting hood at work so this bad boy'll be getting the bike painted. I'm thinking a nice blue, but I'm up for suggestions on new colors. I might even be able to snag some new grips from Harley and cure some of that palm ache.
That's about all really! I'd like to leave you all with something to think about soooo
If I use hair dye on my cat do ya think she'll die? Pink, Blue or Electric Green feet would be pretty hilarious. She's a trend setter and I think the tomcats will go for her over others because she's got style...
Even Helen Keller knows I stay fly,
P-Thuggin'
I had Caroline over for dinner and made chicken enchiladas with green verde sauce for her, Bennio and David. Thanks Eric for the great recipe! The sauce wasn't green. Does it matter if it tastes good? Watched Cloverfield with everyone and took Caroline for her first motorcycle ride ever. Cold + Motorcycle = Frozen Fun. Thank God I have a liner for my jacket. +1 for shooting stars!
In other news, I didn't know that Katy Dillon was in Norway! Shows how little I know about any of my extended family! Katy, don't freeze. We never have enough beer at our family funerals, so....unless you're going to make a social event out of it, don't die =)
Motorcycle Stuff:
Most likely ordering a new tire on Friday so I can get more corner carving in.
I'm going to attempt soaking my chain in kerosene and see if I can get the kinks out and keep that surging down. I also need to get on changing the oil. Definitely needs to be done ASAP!
Ooo! I can use the sandblasting hood at work so this bad boy'll be getting the bike painted. I'm thinking a nice blue, but I'm up for suggestions on new colors. I might even be able to snag some new grips from Harley and cure some of that palm ache.
That's about all really! I'd like to leave you all with something to think about soooo
If I use hair dye on my cat do ya think she'll die? Pink, Blue or Electric Green feet would be pretty hilarious. She's a trend setter and I think the tomcats will go for her over others because she's got style...
Even Helen Keller knows I stay fly,
P-Thuggin'
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Bubbles
Another new week here in College Station brings forth some mixed emotions. I have my date with the county court in the morning and we won't be going Dutch, that's for dang sure >=( Also I get paid this week! Pretty stoked about that.
Went to work on Saturday morning with absolutely no hangover. That was great. Bad news is that I still can't find my keys from when I sat on the couch and typed up my last post over at David's apartment. YAY. It had my ONLY motorcycle key on it. Isn't that wonderful. Before you even think about why I had no extras, you have to specially order them. You can't go to Home Depot of course. I could always hotwire the ZX6 but I wouldn't have a parking lock on it, so it might decide to "run away" sometime.
Anyways, I woke up to my cell phone going off and it was Cliff from work. Yeah. I was late. One and a half hours late too. Rushed off to work in the car and felt pretty much drained for most of the day. Manual labor isn't all that fun when you feel like that. But I did own that job once that "weakness" wore off. Ha, weakness. I don't have one of those. For being late my coworkers decided to dub me "Bubbles." You'd be surprised how much harder you work in order to dispel that nickname. I probably heard "Bubbles" shouted at least twenty times that day.
Note: When someone at work asks you if your hands are clean, it's to take out old oil =)
Got off work and invited Cliff over to Pieper's BBQ party over at his place (Pieper is an old Sear's coworker). There were some odd people there that didn't talk very much and creeped me out a little, but as always Lucy and Pieper were excellent hosts. Dude, I met a freakin' cool guy there. His name is PHIL. Yeah, I feel like I've been meeting a lot of Phils lately, but when the one you meet has the same middle name, is the same height, and is wearing a white beanie like I was: HOLY CRAP! We ate the hell outta some chicken, sausage, chopped beef, fruit, veggies, brownies and all kinds of stuff that makes you fat and happy. Of course there was my favorite frothy beverage of all time to wash it down with.
I headed over to Bundick's where we started a roaring fire in the fireplace and made a makeshift beer pong table. People started streaming in and the party got bigger and bigger. I ended up playing Speed Quarters with about 6 people and I discovered something important. I'm badass at quarters! I had no idea. It would only take one or two bounces to make it in. I rock and roll all night long. After a couple of beers at Piepers, 3 more from Beer Pong and about 1.5 with speed quarters, I was starting to feel a little toasted. Not so bad because of the extended period of time. Not so bad until we played a bit of Circle of Death... Yeah, definitely got owned. The last card drawn in the game was mine of course and it required me to consume 40 drinks of my beverage. Chewing up saltine crackers and blowing bits of them against David in battle was DEFINITELY worthwhile. Lindsey was caught in the action and had a hairfull of soggy cracker bits. Gross...but great.
Rant #435
I'm gonna state now that there are a lot of Chris' guests that are LAME. In case y'all are reading this, y'all simply do NOT like to have conversations or even say hello to people. I bought two cases last night and received no Thank You for your fun night of beer pong. Oh you didn't know? You think beer just magically appears on counters and in fridges? Also, tell the girls you're with to FINISH their beers rather than just opening them and taking two sips.
Enough ranting. You get the picture.
I did learn some important information from the party:
1. Hardhats do fit over beanies.
2. There was a man from Georgia who stole 12,000 bicycles and pawned NONE of them.
3. Camel Crushes are NEAT!
4. Kyle Marko sucks at Beer Pong
5. Golf balls knock Beer Pong cups over on contact.
6. Do not give Kyle Marko golf balls.
I feel that my recent posts have been less than spectacular. You'll have to forgive me for that. Or else.
Possibly seeing Quantum of Solace tonight? I'll tell ya how it is if I go. Guess that's it for now unless something incredible happens tonight.
Makin' the world my Ho since '86,
Phil
Went to work on Saturday morning with absolutely no hangover. That was great. Bad news is that I still can't find my keys from when I sat on the couch and typed up my last post over at David's apartment. YAY. It had my ONLY motorcycle key on it. Isn't that wonderful. Before you even think about why I had no extras, you have to specially order them. You can't go to Home Depot of course. I could always hotwire the ZX6 but I wouldn't have a parking lock on it, so it might decide to "run away" sometime.
Anyways, I woke up to my cell phone going off and it was Cliff from work. Yeah. I was late. One and a half hours late too. Rushed off to work in the car and felt pretty much drained for most of the day. Manual labor isn't all that fun when you feel like that. But I did own that job once that "weakness" wore off. Ha, weakness. I don't have one of those. For being late my coworkers decided to dub me "Bubbles." You'd be surprised how much harder you work in order to dispel that nickname. I probably heard "Bubbles" shouted at least twenty times that day.
Note: When someone at work asks you if your hands are clean, it's to take out old oil =)
Got off work and invited Cliff over to Pieper's BBQ party over at his place (Pieper is an old Sear's coworker). There were some odd people there that didn't talk very much and creeped me out a little, but as always Lucy and Pieper were excellent hosts. Dude, I met a freakin' cool guy there. His name is PHIL. Yeah, I feel like I've been meeting a lot of Phils lately, but when the one you meet has the same middle name, is the same height, and is wearing a white beanie like I was: HOLY CRAP! We ate the hell outta some chicken, sausage, chopped beef, fruit, veggies, brownies and all kinds of stuff that makes you fat and happy. Of course there was my favorite frothy beverage of all time to wash it down with.
I headed over to Bundick's where we started a roaring fire in the fireplace and made a makeshift beer pong table. People started streaming in and the party got bigger and bigger. I ended up playing Speed Quarters with about 6 people and I discovered something important. I'm badass at quarters! I had no idea. It would only take one or two bounces to make it in. I rock and roll all night long. After a couple of beers at Piepers, 3 more from Beer Pong and about 1.5 with speed quarters, I was starting to feel a little toasted. Not so bad because of the extended period of time. Not so bad until we played a bit of Circle of Death... Yeah, definitely got owned. The last card drawn in the game was mine of course and it required me to consume 40 drinks of my beverage. Chewing up saltine crackers and blowing bits of them against David in battle was DEFINITELY worthwhile. Lindsey was caught in the action and had a hairfull of soggy cracker bits. Gross...but great.
Rant #435
I'm gonna state now that there are a lot of Chris' guests that are LAME. In case y'all are reading this, y'all simply do NOT like to have conversations or even say hello to people. I bought two cases last night and received no Thank You for your fun night of beer pong. Oh you didn't know? You think beer just magically appears on counters and in fridges? Also, tell the girls you're with to FINISH their beers rather than just opening them and taking two sips.
Enough ranting. You get the picture.
I did learn some important information from the party:
1. Hardhats do fit over beanies.
2. There was a man from Georgia who stole 12,000 bicycles and pawned NONE of them.
3. Camel Crushes are NEAT!
4. Kyle Marko sucks at Beer Pong
5. Golf balls knock Beer Pong cups over on contact.
6. Do not give Kyle Marko golf balls.
I feel that my recent posts have been less than spectacular. You'll have to forgive me for that. Or else.
Possibly seeing Quantum of Solace tonight? I'll tell ya how it is if I go. Guess that's it for now unless something incredible happens tonight.
Makin' the world my Ho since '86,
Phil
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The Irish Bar
As I write this, I ask you to excuse any grammatical and spelling errors.
Tonight I got home from work. Work was long and busy. I kicked ass. Yes I did.
I got ready to hang out with Mauri and Matt Boone and some others I haven't seen in a while but that fell though. Not sure why the shindig fell apart but I opted for an alternative plan of action. I headed over to the Dixie Chicken to hang out with Tim. While there I had an interesting conversation with some people about pyrotechnics and the Masons. Yes, according to Dad, for me to become a Mason is near blasphemy and I could be excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Interesting. The guy (who was a Mason) wasn't able to explain what Masons actually do. I know their secretive, and he may have been drunk, but from what I gathered it's interesting but slightly cultish. I'll have to research this on my own. Bring on unreliable Wikipedia!
Anyways, went over to Obannon's and met up with the rest of the crew who was there for Rachel's 22nd birthday. It was fun and I thrive on crowds. I found it rather amusing to place napkins on peoples heads while they weren't paying attention. You'd be surprised at how long they can stay there. I placed a napkin on 9 peoplesez heads. Score one for random but satisfying actions.
There I met (and I told them I would would write about them) three crazy awesome girls. Their names were Caroline, Whitney, and Jessica. They're pretty amusing to talk to and I think that they may have been a little spooked by me but HEY, I'm incredible. In a game of Truth or Dare I was dared to get a tattoo on my buttcheek. It was going to be Jessica's name. *sigh* it's too bad all of them wussed out, because I would have done it. You don't think so? You have no idea how far I'll go to prove a point. Have you ever gotten a tattoo of somebody's name on your rearend? Yeah, I would have. Toooooo bad. It was a one time chance and I proved that I have more testicular fortitude (balls) than everyone else.
Also, I stole Rachel's camera and decided to take some random pictures. I quickly came up with the story that I was a photographer creating a documentary about night life in College Station. Do you know how many people will believe that crap?! I went around the bar and got so many groups of people to pose for me! It was freakin' hilarious! Everyone was only too happy to chunk the deuce or make the most awful face possible. Great, I rock. I was cornered by a group of girls who called me out on what I was doing. Clever girls. But they laughed so hard when I told them I was merely messing with my Rachel. They even posed for another picture!
Haha, it was pretty awesome. I had a blast. Of course the bars seems to close down too early when you're having fun but at 2am that's how this town works.
Also, as I type this now at my brother's apartment Lindsey is PLASTERED. She picked up a baseball bat jokingly threatening to hit me and she wound up owning David (my brother if you don't know) in the knee! HAHA! Drunken foo'! It's ok, I wasn't harmed and I'm still able to type. David's knee will be bruised, because that hit was freakin' LOUD. HAHA, still crackin' up about it.
Anyways, I'm gonna sign off for now, but keep in mind that you have a full weekend to read about soon. We've got Matt Boone still in town, Pieper's party, and a fishing boat parked in a backyard to drink in.
I've got a full weekend =)
Always better than you,
Phil
Tonight I got home from work. Work was long and busy. I kicked ass. Yes I did.
I got ready to hang out with Mauri and Matt Boone and some others I haven't seen in a while but that fell though. Not sure why the shindig fell apart but I opted for an alternative plan of action. I headed over to the Dixie Chicken to hang out with Tim. While there I had an interesting conversation with some people about pyrotechnics and the Masons. Yes, according to Dad, for me to become a Mason is near blasphemy and I could be excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Interesting. The guy (who was a Mason) wasn't able to explain what Masons actually do. I know their secretive, and he may have been drunk, but from what I gathered it's interesting but slightly cultish. I'll have to research this on my own. Bring on unreliable Wikipedia!
Anyways, went over to Obannon's and met up with the rest of the crew who was there for Rachel's 22nd birthday. It was fun and I thrive on crowds. I found it rather amusing to place napkins on peoples heads while they weren't paying attention. You'd be surprised at how long they can stay there. I placed a napkin on 9 peoplesez heads. Score one for random but satisfying actions.
There I met (and I told them I would would write about them) three crazy awesome girls. Their names were Caroline, Whitney, and Jessica. They're pretty amusing to talk to and I think that they may have been a little spooked by me but HEY, I'm incredible. In a game of Truth or Dare I was dared to get a tattoo on my buttcheek. It was going to be Jessica's name. *sigh* it's too bad all of them wussed out, because I would have done it. You don't think so? You have no idea how far I'll go to prove a point. Have you ever gotten a tattoo of somebody's name on your rearend? Yeah, I would have. Toooooo bad. It was a one time chance and I proved that I have more testicular fortitude (balls) than everyone else.
Also, I stole Rachel's camera and decided to take some random pictures. I quickly came up with the story that I was a photographer creating a documentary about night life in College Station. Do you know how many people will believe that crap?! I went around the bar and got so many groups of people to pose for me! It was freakin' hilarious! Everyone was only too happy to chunk the deuce or make the most awful face possible. Great, I rock. I was cornered by a group of girls who called me out on what I was doing. Clever girls. But they laughed so hard when I told them I was merely messing with my Rachel. They even posed for another picture!
Haha, it was pretty awesome. I had a blast. Of course the bars seems to close down too early when you're having fun but at 2am that's how this town works.
Also, as I type this now at my brother's apartment Lindsey is PLASTERED. She picked up a baseball bat jokingly threatening to hit me and she wound up owning David (my brother if you don't know) in the knee! HAHA! Drunken foo'! It's ok, I wasn't harmed and I'm still able to type. David's knee will be bruised, because that hit was freakin' LOUD. HAHA, still crackin' up about it.
Anyways, I'm gonna sign off for now, but keep in mind that you have a full weekend to read about soon. We've got Matt Boone still in town, Pieper's party, and a fishing boat parked in a backyard to drink in.
I've got a full weekend =)
Always better than you,
Phil
Friday, November 14, 2008
Unable to Sleep!
Here I am and it's 4:28am as I type this post up for you faithful readers. Although I may appear to have fallen in love with writing and my shaggy appearance supports that bias, I vehemently assure you that I remain loyal to my more conservative attitudes. I also wanted to single-sentencely label most authors as dirty hippies who should quit drinkin' the bong water. Anyways, my schedule around here has been a little more than annoying. It might have to do with me staying out one night a little too late and then sleeping in too late and repeating the process...but nah, I'll blame it on moon phases. I'm not really getting anything done, but lately that's the problem! I don't have anything to do! I've been dead bored. Nothing seems to be stimulating my squad of brain cells (all eight of them.) I would go for hard drugs but I only get paid so much ;) Oh yeah, that's why I started this blog. Boredom.
Since nobody wants to read a blog on political rants (mine would be irrational and funny though), I need a different topic. I think I'm going to talk about some thinks I like and why. HEY. It's my blog, I can talk about whatever the heck I want. You read on only if you want your mind totally melted away by plasmic badassness.
1. I like to spit on the floor at work. When I'm angry I personify the wash bay and it makes me feel like the bay is my pathetic underling. It's even better when I have a lip full of dip. Yes. I do this.
2. I like to live by the phrase "every day you have the opportunity to do something you've never done before." You don't have to be epic or worthy of a damn bard's tale. Go little. Have you ever prodded a caterpillar with a stick while on the job? Think about it, you're getting paid to prod a caterpillar! Also try eating only one potato chip from a bag. Try ordering something new on a menu. Spice up your life somehow.
3. I like to juggle whenever I pass by the sports section in Wal-Mart or whenever I see three pieces of fruit. I'm not good at juggling. But it's one of those skills that may save your life and it's a good idea to take the time out to try it.
4. I like having awesome scenery for my desktop background. It keeps reminding me that there's a crapload of places out there that I need to see. No scantily-clad girls, cars, or motorcycles here. Check out http://interfacelift.com/wallpaper_beta/downloads/date/any/ This is where I get mine from.
5. I like armadillos. Yup yup. Those little thugs are sweeet! They're armored, they make funny noises, and if you touch them you get leprosy! NEAT! And they have silly lil' ears. Also you pop an N on the back of their name and you get my callsign. If I had a callsign. I do now...
6. I like dragging people out of their comfort zones. I sometimes do this on accident as well. I can't help it, people should quit being uptight sometimes. Some of the stuff in your life is not as important as you think it is. It is NOT uncouth to stop mid-debate in the line at the grocery store and ask for a third party opinion. Everyone in line is droppin' eaves anyways! Seriously, usually nobodys talks in line but they're all listening to the select few who do. You want privacy and peacefulness when you shop? Shop online. In the meantime I'm gonna ask you if you think chest hair is attractive. You have a personal bubble, right? WRONG, there's a needle and around here it's called Phil.
About this time I'm actually getting tired. I've given you 6 things I like/like to do. That should be enough to tide you over until I get some real meat up on this blog. I'm sure something fascinating will happen tomorrow. Rachel's 22nd Birthday and also Matt Boone is coming into town! SHWING! So game night after work with him and some old friends and then I think I'll have to jet to Northgate. I did make that commitment before I knew Boone was coming in. Blast.
Until then, keep an eye out for that spaceship behind Hale-Bopp, because Heaven's Gate had some solid reasoning and I wouldn't want any of us to miss it!
Here to entertain,
Felip
Since nobody wants to read a blog on political rants (mine would be irrational and funny though), I need a different topic. I think I'm going to talk about some thinks I like and why. HEY. It's my blog, I can talk about whatever the heck I want. You read on only if you want your mind totally melted away by plasmic badassness.
1. I like to spit on the floor at work. When I'm angry I personify the wash bay and it makes me feel like the bay is my pathetic underling. It's even better when I have a lip full of dip. Yes. I do this.
2. I like to live by the phrase "every day you have the opportunity to do something you've never done before." You don't have to be epic or worthy of a damn bard's tale. Go little. Have you ever prodded a caterpillar with a stick while on the job? Think about it, you're getting paid to prod a caterpillar! Also try eating only one potato chip from a bag. Try ordering something new on a menu. Spice up your life somehow.
3. I like to juggle whenever I pass by the sports section in Wal-Mart or whenever I see three pieces of fruit. I'm not good at juggling. But it's one of those skills that may save your life and it's a good idea to take the time out to try it.
4. I like having awesome scenery for my desktop background. It keeps reminding me that there's a crapload of places out there that I need to see. No scantily-clad girls, cars, or motorcycles here. Check out http://interfacelift.com/wallpaper_beta/downloads/date/any/ This is where I get mine from.
5. I like armadillos. Yup yup. Those little thugs are sweeet! They're armored, they make funny noises, and if you touch them you get leprosy! NEAT! And they have silly lil' ears. Also you pop an N on the back of their name and you get my callsign. If I had a callsign. I do now...
6. I like dragging people out of their comfort zones. I sometimes do this on accident as well. I can't help it, people should quit being uptight sometimes. Some of the stuff in your life is not as important as you think it is. It is NOT uncouth to stop mid-debate in the line at the grocery store and ask for a third party opinion. Everyone in line is droppin' eaves anyways! Seriously, usually nobodys talks in line but they're all listening to the select few who do. You want privacy and peacefulness when you shop? Shop online. In the meantime I'm gonna ask you if you think chest hair is attractive. You have a personal bubble, right? WRONG, there's a needle and around here it's called Phil.
About this time I'm actually getting tired. I've given you 6 things I like/like to do. That should be enough to tide you over until I get some real meat up on this blog. I'm sure something fascinating will happen tomorrow. Rachel's 22nd Birthday and also Matt Boone is coming into town! SHWING! So game night after work with him and some old friends and then I think I'll have to jet to Northgate. I did make that commitment before I knew Boone was coming in. Blast.
Until then, keep an eye out for that spaceship behind Hale-Bopp, because Heaven's Gate had some solid reasoning and I wouldn't want any of us to miss it!
Here to entertain,
Felip
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Rooftop Drinking, Sons of Anarchy, and Lots of Drooling
So last night I got off work and was lookin' for something to do. Headed over to the Dixie Chicken to hang out with Lindsey Warne. She's 21 now! So I sat there with her, her dad, David and a few other friends and had free beer. Her dad was buyin' =)
It got around 9:45 and I was gonna head over to the Piano Bar at The Tap. They call it Piano Bar because two friends will sit up on stage and play song requests. I don't mean just certain nice piano songs, I'm talkin' Rap, Rock, Country, Oldies ANYTHING. These guys are amazing, they know the lyrics and how to play any song you can think of. In their free time they must just study song lyrics.
Last time I was there he played Gold Digger by Kanye West. Amazing. Also if you go up and be annoying during a song and try to whisper in his ear (and therfore interrupting the music) he'll change the song lyrics to reflect that "you're a drunk and you're totally ruining this for everyone". It's bueno.
Anyways, apppppparently there is a cover. Well we don't know. I don't recall paying one and we just decided to go back to Chris' and hang out.
David and Aaron Clay (whom I call Black Aaron out of platonic love) show up and I come up with an idea. I don't think I really need to state that it's brilliant considering ALL of my ideas are brilliant. Out of all the people who don't need to be hanging out on rooves [sic] I say "Let's get on the roof!"
So we scramble up there.
Then more people show up. Kevin, Steelie, Cason, and JR (Chris' roommate).
All of us are up on the roof with some Shiner Bock. So we're all standing up on the peak of this roof and talking and then everyone realizes exactly where we are. Who in the hell had this crazy idea to get up here? Guilty. Ambience was great though and we had a blast. Rolling beer bottles really fast down the steep roof is rather fun as well. They spin off into the night.
Then we all got down and lit up the fireplace and watched Sons of Anarchy. Great episode (as always) this week if youz peoplez are following it.
Finally hit the sack at around 3am and I had an interesting epiphone. Not only do my brother and I sleep with our eyes open on occasion, I also drool. A lot! The damn pillow was soaked in the morning so I flipped it and went back to sleep. Flipped it again and duh, I did it again =)
I think I must do this when I'm completely exhausted. Either that or Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz are modeling their swimsuits for me in my sleep. No, I didn't get the pillow wet that way. You dirty readers.
Also got a $20 tip for basically doing nothing at work today. DB swapped out a timing cover and all I did was test ride it. When the owner asked who did the work DB pointed at me! So we split it. Not too bad. More gas money!
Anyways, I'm takin' off to go check out a potential motorcycle for Kyle Marko now. Like an Asian attempting to line dance, I'll be here for your entertainment pleasure later.
Peace out pimplayas.
It got around 9:45 and I was gonna head over to the Piano Bar at The Tap. They call it Piano Bar because two friends will sit up on stage and play song requests. I don't mean just certain nice piano songs, I'm talkin' Rap, Rock, Country, Oldies ANYTHING. These guys are amazing, they know the lyrics and how to play any song you can think of. In their free time they must just study song lyrics.
Last time I was there he played Gold Digger by Kanye West. Amazing. Also if you go up and be annoying during a song and try to whisper in his ear (and therfore interrupting the music) he'll change the song lyrics to reflect that "you're a drunk and you're totally ruining this for everyone". It's bueno.
Anyways, apppppparently there is a cover. Well we don't know. I don't recall paying one and we just decided to go back to Chris' and hang out.
David and Aaron Clay (whom I call Black Aaron out of platonic love) show up and I come up with an idea. I don't think I really need to state that it's brilliant considering ALL of my ideas are brilliant. Out of all the people who don't need to be hanging out on rooves [sic] I say "Let's get on the roof!"
So we scramble up there.
Then more people show up. Kevin, Steelie, Cason, and JR (Chris' roommate).
All of us are up on the roof with some Shiner Bock. So we're all standing up on the peak of this roof and talking and then everyone realizes exactly where we are. Who in the hell had this crazy idea to get up here? Guilty. Ambience was great though and we had a blast. Rolling beer bottles really fast down the steep roof is rather fun as well. They spin off into the night.
Then we all got down and lit up the fireplace and watched Sons of Anarchy. Great episode (as always) this week if youz peoplez are following it.
Finally hit the sack at around 3am and I had an interesting epiphone. Not only do my brother and I sleep with our eyes open on occasion, I also drool. A lot! The damn pillow was soaked in the morning so I flipped it and went back to sleep. Flipped it again and duh, I did it again =)
I think I must do this when I'm completely exhausted. Either that or Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz are modeling their swimsuits for me in my sleep. No, I didn't get the pillow wet that way. You dirty readers.
Also got a $20 tip for basically doing nothing at work today. DB swapped out a timing cover and all I did was test ride it. When the owner asked who did the work DB pointed at me! So we split it. Not too bad. More gas money!
Anyways, I'm takin' off to go check out a potential motorcycle for Kyle Marko now. Like an Asian attempting to line dance, I'll be here for your entertainment pleasure later.
Peace out pimplayas.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Lazy Tuesday
Aaaaaaand fast track let's rewind it back.
Pretty much didn't get a dang thing done today except transfer some more numbers over to my new phone. This thing is badass for a free phone! Bluetooth data transfer that I can link up with my computer, finally have ring+vibrate at the same time, SIM card, loud as hell and also works as an MP3 player! Totally sweet. "Chicken Fried" by the Zac Brown Band was my natural choice for a ringtone, cuz it's the shizz! Ate over at Fitzwilly's with Chris after a short ride on our bikes and then went back. JohnRoss (JR) his roommate needed some help with his truck. It went kaput a little while back. So broham David came over and it's pretty much the worst thing that can ever happen to a vehicle. Imagine the internals of the engine going 'SPLODE! Haha, not a pretty sight at all. There was a connecting rod (for you non-mechanically inclined just imagine a piece of metal about 2 fingers wide) sticking right though the oil pan. NEAT! Not something you see everyday. Afterwards we watched Secondhand Lions, which if you haven't seen it is an amazing movie with a few of those heartwrenching moments. I think I'm definitely going to grow into a type of old man just like Michael Caine or Robert Duvall. Most definitely. Hell, I'm already up for those random anti-boredom actions. It's been pouring rain most of the evening and I haven't been able to really go anywhere because I was dumb enough to not bring any raingear with me on the dual wheeled contraption. So therefore I decided to hit up the blog for some extra thoughts.
In other news I was a little saddened when I looked up at the paper posted in the Men's room of Fitzwilly's. My longtime homeboy and role model George Bush (that's G-Dubbs to his friends like me) is starting the traditional transition out of office. I can't say I'm happy about Obama guiding the country but I will honor my nation and at least respect the majority choice of the people. The whole "change" thing has been on my mind and it seems that more than just the presidency is changing. Gas prices at Wally World were $1.92 for 83, I've been listening to nothing but country lately, and leaving College Station looks more promising every day.
I should have another story to write about tomorrow morning considering Tim and Kevin get off work at 9 and Chris and I will be meeting up with them. It's always an adventure with the likes of them.
Also, if you get the chance, check THIS out. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1831501
Pretty much didn't get a dang thing done today except transfer some more numbers over to my new phone. This thing is badass for a free phone! Bluetooth data transfer that I can link up with my computer, finally have ring+vibrate at the same time, SIM card, loud as hell and also works as an MP3 player! Totally sweet. "Chicken Fried" by the Zac Brown Band was my natural choice for a ringtone, cuz it's the shizz! Ate over at Fitzwilly's with Chris after a short ride on our bikes and then went back. JohnRoss (JR) his roommate needed some help with his truck. It went kaput a little while back. So broham David came over and it's pretty much the worst thing that can ever happen to a vehicle. Imagine the internals of the engine going 'SPLODE! Haha, not a pretty sight at all. There was a connecting rod (for you non-mechanically inclined just imagine a piece of metal about 2 fingers wide) sticking right though the oil pan. NEAT! Not something you see everyday. Afterwards we watched Secondhand Lions, which if you haven't seen it is an amazing movie with a few of those heartwrenching moments. I think I'm definitely going to grow into a type of old man just like Michael Caine or Robert Duvall. Most definitely. Hell, I'm already up for those random anti-boredom actions. It's been pouring rain most of the evening and I haven't been able to really go anywhere because I was dumb enough to not bring any raingear with me on the dual wheeled contraption. So therefore I decided to hit up the blog for some extra thoughts.
In other news I was a little saddened when I looked up at the paper posted in the Men's room of Fitzwilly's. My longtime homeboy and role model George Bush (that's G-Dubbs to his friends like me) is starting the traditional transition out of office. I can't say I'm happy about Obama guiding the country but I will honor my nation and at least respect the majority choice of the people. The whole "change" thing has been on my mind and it seems that more than just the presidency is changing. Gas prices at Wally World were $1.92 for 83, I've been listening to nothing but country lately, and leaving College Station looks more promising every day.
I should have another story to write about tomorrow morning considering Tim and Kevin get off work at 9 and Chris and I will be meeting up with them. It's always an adventure with the likes of them.
Also, if you get the chance, check THIS out. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1831501
The Raft and The Dog Lady
Section 1. THE RAFT
Alright peoples, it's about that time to let the world realize the potent creativity of my mind. I was sitting outside Chris Bundicks house with Tim and of course Chris when we started to discuss work. Work led to lack of parties, fun and hobbies. This must change!
I looked over at his roommates fishing boat in the middle of the front yard and a few questions came to mind.
1. How can we legally drink on a boat?
2. Is it legal if the craft has no motor?
3. Where can we get a craft without a motor?
The solution is A RAFT. Robinson Crusoe, Tom Hanks from Castaway, Huck Finn. They all did it...why can't WE?!
So the Raft must meet a few of our requirements before we take it on it's maiden voyage into Lake Bryan.
The Raft must be large enough to support a keg, a couch, and however many people we bring.
The Raft must have a mainmast/flagpole. Further stipulations demand that this mainmast fly our posse's colors (my boxers) at all times during the voyage. Once the brave venturers are hung-over the colors may then be lowered to half-mast.
The Raft must carry upon it one item which does not belong (in the grand sense of normality) anywhere on a lake. (NOTE: This item has been selected. A bicycle. The thinktank has concluded that said bicycle can control the rudder and the back tire can be fitted with paddles.)
The adventure will be spectacular.
--------------------------------------
Section 2. THE DOG LADY (Too long of a read you say? I'm a grown-ass man I do what I want.)
Ok, at this point I think it's fair to say that my coworkers are freakin' PUNKS.
So on a particularly rainy afternoon I head to work on my bike. My coworker Chris, an FNG from Lexington, TX and I are the only 2 hydrotechs (bikewasher/minion of the Harley beast) working. Well things are going greaaaat, it's nice and lazy with almost no customers. Too bad there is far too much in store for Felipe.
J.R. the service manager comes out to the bay and tells me he has a wonderful job for me. Easy peasy delivery of a motorcycle to a nice lady. While Eric is giving me directions to the destination and I'm having him clarify them, I overhear somebody say something about a "dog lady." This becomes important.
So I load up the motorcycle in the pouring rain in the dealership's parking lot and pull around to the front for last words on the route.
"Is a 1/4 tank enough fuel to get me there and back?"
"Yeah, you'll be fine."
"Here's the gas card for fillup when you come back."
Senor Deleon heads out on this fateful trip down a backroad towards Iola.
Out about 20-30 minutes I follow the directions while listening to some older country and I think it's a great day to be paid for driving and listening to music. "It must be close" says I. Road left, road right, road left, road right. "This is waaaay out here" says I.
I find a county road and take a right onto it. The road was dirt but is NOW mud. Now going at an agonizing 15mph I'm sliding all over the place with a trailer and an old jankety not-worth-$400 bike. The truck, the trailer, and the bike are all covered in mud. Apparently Grimes county likes using crappy wooden bridges on their county roads because that's the kind of crap I drove over. Of course the good ol' boys don't like taxes to pay for these county roads so the bumps are more crevasses than anything. I hit a few of these pitfalls and jostle the trailer pretty good.
The bike is sitting at a dangerously awkward angle. The bike is too heavy to readjust and I have no other helpers so I just throw another few ratchet straps on that bad boy (or bad "girl" considering it has a sticker on the bike that says "Beyond Bitch") and we're good to go. Of course I got soaked down to my underwear doing this by the rain.
I notice that there are no houses on the road in my directions. What the deuce. Seriously? So being a problem solver I go back and retrace my steps. Nope. I followed them to a T. Well shoot, I have no cell phone, I'm below an 1/8 of a tank of gas and the gas card can ONLY be used at Sams Club. I somehow find a house which is NOT the correct one and finagle a phone call from a nice couple to the dealership. Eric at the dealership gives me the womans number and I call her.
The woman answers the phone and she sounds like straight up ivory trash. Something something left here, follow the junk pile there, something about a gate...
Aight lady, you're not helping because I can hardly understand you.
I get off the phone and the couple is giving me odd looks.
"Nobody lives over there except for the family at the Morning Star Ranch."
So they start doing the whole contradictory old wife-husband thing and at some point one of them mentions "The Dog Lady."
Oh I get this now. She must own a kennel. The couple knows exactly where she is. So I get the directions and vamoose, I jet.
So I follow the directions and get to a black nondescript mailbox. I take a right into the driveway and I can't go any further because their's a crushed gate in the middle of my path. What the hell... I hop out, again getting soaked, and move the gate over. It's getting dark about this time mind you, and this trip and this story have taken way longer than expected. I start driving onto this property and it's a freakin PASTURE. This "driveway" is freakin long. As I creep along a dog runs past my headlights. Hmmm. Then 2 dogs. THREE dogs. Then I see nestled in the back of the property is a small copse of trees. There is trash everywhere. Old mattresses, a fridge or two, dog food bags, you name it.
And then I see her. The Dog Lady herself. This is no kennel. There's dogs EVERYFREAKINWHERE. I pull through another downed gate and have only 2 inches of clearance on each side for the trailer.
There are about thirty dogs in the front yard. I'm not exaggerating!
I step out of the truck---into a pile of wet, oozing dog crap. The first thing she says is "You want a dog? I got 22 more in the house!" HELL NO. This woman is a white trash mexican with black fingernails, black eyeliner, and a black shirt with a skull and crossbones.
So I undo the bike from the straps. They're jammed. After more pushing and pulling and a bloody finger I get'em undone. Bastids. She doesn't want the bike right there next to the trailer, noooo she wants me to push it all the way next to the house. The house is a shack with no power and an A/C unit hanging half out of a window. There are two dogs peeking up over it. The place reeks of feces and wet dog. It was awful. So finally I get the dang bike over to where she wants it and I'm like sweet, I'm outta here. Nope. She wants to chat. She talks about her lack of boyfriend and I'm thinking oh God, Dog Lady wants a companion. Well it ain't gonna be me! That's what you've got all these dogs for!
Then she talks about getting arrested a day ago. She was installing her "security system" which I can only assume is a shotgun with string attached to the trigger, when some sheriffs deputies show up. She's setting up this system and she says to me that she had her two guns on the hood of her truck.
As she says this she pulls out a 38 SPECIAL WITH A LASER SIGHT. Yes. She starts waaaaaving it around saying "How dem cops sposed to 'rrest me for deadly conduct!? I know wheres I'm shootin' cuz I got this laser to show me fer!" As she says all this the shiny bright light passes my chest MORE THAN ONCE.
Dear God, can we postpone my death until tomorrow? I don't wanna die at gunpoint by the Dog Lady in Podunk, TX!
So finally I escape from the clutches of conversation with Dog Lady and her 52 dogs (one of whiched is named Angelina Jolie) but not from the home. I get payment from her first and she overpays me by a few bucks. Thanks for the 3 dollar tip for driving through hell. I must make a daring and skilled escape. Oh wait, there's no room to turn around in your driveway Dog Lady. I have to back out of a space with only 4 inches total of clearance. Thanks for waving me up to your front door! >=( So I back out and in the middle of backing out her driveway is so muddy I get STUCK. I'm PISSED. But of course Customer Service is Number Oooooonnnneeeee! YAY. Finally I just slam the gas and somehow the tires catch. Almost jackknifing, I get that trailer backed up into an ideal locale with the removal of a few T-posts and a wire cattle panel. And then I'm GONE. I fly down that pasture as quick as my trailer will let me. The smell of dog crap and wet dog permeates my clothes and the interior of the truck. My mirrors are covered in mud. But that's ok, because I'm never lookin back!
After a quick stop for a can of dip (thanks for the tip Lady!) I have to still make the journey back home. On an 1/8 of a tank of gas. I says to mes, theres no ways in haell you gone do this Phil. (Figured I'd go a bit redneck on that sentence.) So crusing at a steady 55mph and SPUTTERING on the way to the pumps at Sam's Club, I make it. Of course I have to go to the bathroom really badly and the dumbass working the pumps is smoking reefer in the bathroom. Ass.
It's 6:50 by this point and the way things were running back at the dealership, we probably loaded up bikes 20 minutes ago. So I race over there with a full tank of gas, and of course I'm sliding around a bit due to the water on the road. The urgency is necessary when you have to micturate like a madman.
So I arrive at the dealership not a moment too soon (in fact 2 hours late) and Eric asks:
"Did you have fun!?"
"IF YOU EVER SEND ME TO PODUNK, TX AGAIN I'LL KILL YOU DEAD!"
This is how my story ends. Long, winding, unruly, and maybe a bit strenuous to read. But who cares. This is my blog and I do what I want. Catch you later homies. Until I post again I'm goin to Fitzwillys with my main man C-Thuggin.
Word to ya mother.
Alright peoples, it's about that time to let the world realize the potent creativity of my mind. I was sitting outside Chris Bundicks house with Tim and of course Chris when we started to discuss work. Work led to lack of parties, fun and hobbies. This must change!
I looked over at his roommates fishing boat in the middle of the front yard and a few questions came to mind.
1. How can we legally drink on a boat?
2. Is it legal if the craft has no motor?
3. Where can we get a craft without a motor?
The solution is A RAFT. Robinson Crusoe, Tom Hanks from Castaway, Huck Finn. They all did it...why can't WE?!
So the Raft must meet a few of our requirements before we take it on it's maiden voyage into Lake Bryan.
The Raft must be large enough to support a keg, a couch, and however many people we bring.
The Raft must have a mainmast/flagpole. Further stipulations demand that this mainmast fly our posse's colors (my boxers) at all times during the voyage. Once the brave venturers are hung-over the colors may then be lowered to half-mast.
The Raft must carry upon it one item which does not belong (in the grand sense of normality) anywhere on a lake. (NOTE: This item has been selected. A bicycle. The thinktank has concluded that said bicycle can control the rudder and the back tire can be fitted with paddles.)
The adventure will be spectacular.
--------------------------------------
Section 2. THE DOG LADY (Too long of a read you say? I'm a grown-ass man I do what I want.)
Ok, at this point I think it's fair to say that my coworkers are freakin' PUNKS.
So on a particularly rainy afternoon I head to work on my bike. My coworker Chris, an FNG from Lexington, TX and I are the only 2 hydrotechs (bikewasher/minion of the Harley beast) working. Well things are going greaaaat, it's nice and lazy with almost no customers. Too bad there is far too much in store for Felipe.
J.R. the service manager comes out to the bay and tells me he has a wonderful job for me. Easy peasy delivery of a motorcycle to a nice lady. While Eric is giving me directions to the destination and I'm having him clarify them, I overhear somebody say something about a "dog lady." This becomes important.
So I load up the motorcycle in the pouring rain in the dealership's parking lot and pull around to the front for last words on the route.
"Is a 1/4 tank enough fuel to get me there and back?"
"Yeah, you'll be fine."
"Here's the gas card for fillup when you come back."
Senor Deleon heads out on this fateful trip down a backroad towards Iola.
Out about 20-30 minutes I follow the directions while listening to some older country and I think it's a great day to be paid for driving and listening to music. "It must be close" says I. Road left, road right, road left, road right. "This is waaaay out here" says I.
I find a county road and take a right onto it. The road was dirt but is NOW mud. Now going at an agonizing 15mph I'm sliding all over the place with a trailer and an old jankety not-worth-$400 bike. The truck, the trailer, and the bike are all covered in mud. Apparently Grimes county likes using crappy wooden bridges on their county roads because that's the kind of crap I drove over. Of course the good ol' boys don't like taxes to pay for these county roads so the bumps are more crevasses than anything. I hit a few of these pitfalls and jostle the trailer pretty good.
The bike is sitting at a dangerously awkward angle. The bike is too heavy to readjust and I have no other helpers so I just throw another few ratchet straps on that bad boy (or bad "girl" considering it has a sticker on the bike that says "Beyond Bitch") and we're good to go. Of course I got soaked down to my underwear doing this by the rain.
I notice that there are no houses on the road in my directions. What the deuce. Seriously? So being a problem solver I go back and retrace my steps. Nope. I followed them to a T. Well shoot, I have no cell phone, I'm below an 1/8 of a tank of gas and the gas card can ONLY be used at Sams Club. I somehow find a house which is NOT the correct one and finagle a phone call from a nice couple to the dealership. Eric at the dealership gives me the womans number and I call her.
The woman answers the phone and she sounds like straight up ivory trash. Something something left here, follow the junk pile there, something about a gate...
Aight lady, you're not helping because I can hardly understand you.
I get off the phone and the couple is giving me odd looks.
"Nobody lives over there except for the family at the Morning Star Ranch."
So they start doing the whole contradictory old wife-husband thing and at some point one of them mentions "The Dog Lady."
Oh I get this now. She must own a kennel. The couple knows exactly where she is. So I get the directions and vamoose, I jet.
So I follow the directions and get to a black nondescript mailbox. I take a right into the driveway and I can't go any further because their's a crushed gate in the middle of my path. What the hell... I hop out, again getting soaked, and move the gate over. It's getting dark about this time mind you, and this trip and this story have taken way longer than expected. I start driving onto this property and it's a freakin PASTURE. This "driveway" is freakin long. As I creep along a dog runs past my headlights. Hmmm. Then 2 dogs. THREE dogs. Then I see nestled in the back of the property is a small copse of trees. There is trash everywhere. Old mattresses, a fridge or two, dog food bags, you name it.
And then I see her. The Dog Lady herself. This is no kennel. There's dogs EVERYFREAKINWHERE. I pull through another downed gate and have only 2 inches of clearance on each side for the trailer.
There are about thirty dogs in the front yard. I'm not exaggerating!
I step out of the truck---into a pile of wet, oozing dog crap. The first thing she says is "You want a dog? I got 22 more in the house!" HELL NO. This woman is a white trash mexican with black fingernails, black eyeliner, and a black shirt with a skull and crossbones.
So I undo the bike from the straps. They're jammed. After more pushing and pulling and a bloody finger I get'em undone. Bastids. She doesn't want the bike right there next to the trailer, noooo she wants me to push it all the way next to the house. The house is a shack with no power and an A/C unit hanging half out of a window. There are two dogs peeking up over it. The place reeks of feces and wet dog. It was awful. So finally I get the dang bike over to where she wants it and I'm like sweet, I'm outta here. Nope. She wants to chat. She talks about her lack of boyfriend and I'm thinking oh God, Dog Lady wants a companion. Well it ain't gonna be me! That's what you've got all these dogs for!
Then she talks about getting arrested a day ago. She was installing her "security system" which I can only assume is a shotgun with string attached to the trigger, when some sheriffs deputies show up. She's setting up this system and she says to me that she had her two guns on the hood of her truck.
As she says this she pulls out a 38 SPECIAL WITH A LASER SIGHT. Yes. She starts waaaaaving it around saying "How dem cops sposed to 'rrest me for deadly conduct!? I know wheres I'm shootin' cuz I got this laser to show me fer!" As she says all this the shiny bright light passes my chest MORE THAN ONCE.
Dear God, can we postpone my death until tomorrow? I don't wanna die at gunpoint by the Dog Lady in Podunk, TX!
So finally I escape from the clutches of conversation with Dog Lady and her 52 dogs (one of whiched is named Angelina Jolie) but not from the home. I get payment from her first and she overpays me by a few bucks. Thanks for the 3 dollar tip for driving through hell. I must make a daring and skilled escape. Oh wait, there's no room to turn around in your driveway Dog Lady. I have to back out of a space with only 4 inches total of clearance. Thanks for waving me up to your front door! >=( So I back out and in the middle of backing out her driveway is so muddy I get STUCK. I'm PISSED. But of course Customer Service is Number Oooooonnnneeeee! YAY. Finally I just slam the gas and somehow the tires catch. Almost jackknifing, I get that trailer backed up into an ideal locale with the removal of a few T-posts and a wire cattle panel. And then I'm GONE. I fly down that pasture as quick as my trailer will let me. The smell of dog crap and wet dog permeates my clothes and the interior of the truck. My mirrors are covered in mud. But that's ok, because I'm never lookin back!
After a quick stop for a can of dip (thanks for the tip Lady!) I have to still make the journey back home. On an 1/8 of a tank of gas. I says to mes, theres no ways in haell you gone do this Phil. (Figured I'd go a bit redneck on that sentence.) So crusing at a steady 55mph and SPUTTERING on the way to the pumps at Sam's Club, I make it. Of course I have to go to the bathroom really badly and the dumbass working the pumps is smoking reefer in the bathroom. Ass.
It's 6:50 by this point and the way things were running back at the dealership, we probably loaded up bikes 20 minutes ago. So I race over there with a full tank of gas, and of course I'm sliding around a bit due to the water on the road. The urgency is necessary when you have to micturate like a madman.
So I arrive at the dealership not a moment too soon (in fact 2 hours late) and Eric asks:
"Did you have fun!?"
"IF YOU EVER SEND ME TO PODUNK, TX AGAIN I'LL KILL YOU DEAD!"
This is how my story ends. Long, winding, unruly, and maybe a bit strenuous to read. But who cares. This is my blog and I do what I want. Catch you later homies. Until I post again I'm goin to Fitzwillys with my main man C-Thuggin.
Word to ya mother.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
First Post FTW!
Ok, so this is my first blog entry...ever. I always thought these things were retarded and emo but my sister has one and I enjoy viewing it when she posts.
So lets see here...
Last night I went on a date with Judith, long time friend and confidant. It was awful in the sense of a date! But as always, since she and I just happen to be the most awesome people in the world I still had a blast.
So the gist of my date was hopelessly romantic. My plans were to show up at her house on my ZX6, hand her a flower and then take her to The Hook. The Hook is a Bar/Grill located on the side of Lake Bryan. Well since I'm the worst when it comes to time management, I had to make a quick pit stop just before I picked her up. More on that in a little bit.
So I was running short on time so I decided to forget the flower =) I arrive at her house 45 MINUTES LATE and picked her up. So needless to say she was starving hehehe. That's ok, I like my women half-starved and angry. So I pick her up and take her to the Hook.
The Hook closed the kitchen down 10 minutes before we got there. OOPS.
So there we are and like an idiot I didn't have a backup. EPIC FAIL! She mentions a place in Bryan called Pyro's that she wants to check out. We ride all the way back (But first we scared some ducks on the shore of Lake Bryan really quickly) to Bryan and Pyro's was just closing. Luckily, the awesome hostess waved us in and sat us down. Turns out I'm not even hungry anymore. So Judith decides to not talk to me out of mock anger for a little bit.
Haha, so I finally spilled the beans on what I'm deciding to do with my life. I hadn't told her about my "secret plans" to join Military Sealift Command since August. It was mostly to annoy her for a few months (and of course it worked hehe) and that's the premise of the date. I conned her into a date with me in exchange for telling her what I was doing.
Anyways, my plans for after going to the Hook were to head out to a rarely used road in College Station where I had stashed a huge bag with a comforter, mugs for hot cocoa, and a flashlight. Chris Bundick was going to be meeting me at a predetermined destination with a thermos full of hot cocoa. So theoretically I was going to pull up with her on the bike, he would be there waiting, tosses me a nondescript backpack and off we would jet into the night. Then stargazing with hot cocoa!
None of this occurred. =)
Mom and Dad are thinking of switching to AT&T and my Verizon-based phone has been out for a few days now. So a great big Neg.
That's ok though, even though it was a horrible date we went back to her place after the Pyro place thingy and she grabbed some props. Haha, props you ask? Yes, seems kinky.
We went back to my house and decided to take a ton of the most random photos ever. Most of them are freakin' hilarious and I'll be posting a lot of them on facebook later today. Most likely they're only funny because we were both exhausted (we both work a lot and never get any sleep these days) but it was still a blast.
Exhausted we crashed and slept for 14 hours! Thank God for having Sundays off. Judith is still being lazy and hasn't gotten out of bed. She's watching me as I type up this blog. LoL.
Message to the world: I have the greatest ideas but the poorest skills in execution.
Next blog will be about...The Raft. Of course I'll interject random thoughts as well, but in the meantime comment away!
So lets see here...
Last night I went on a date with Judith, long time friend and confidant. It was awful in the sense of a date! But as always, since she and I just happen to be the most awesome people in the world I still had a blast.
So the gist of my date was hopelessly romantic. My plans were to show up at her house on my ZX6, hand her a flower and then take her to The Hook. The Hook is a Bar/Grill located on the side of Lake Bryan. Well since I'm the worst when it comes to time management, I had to make a quick pit stop just before I picked her up. More on that in a little bit.
So I was running short on time so I decided to forget the flower =) I arrive at her house 45 MINUTES LATE and picked her up. So needless to say she was starving hehehe. That's ok, I like my women half-starved and angry. So I pick her up and take her to the Hook.
The Hook closed the kitchen down 10 minutes before we got there. OOPS.
So there we are and like an idiot I didn't have a backup. EPIC FAIL! She mentions a place in Bryan called Pyro's that she wants to check out. We ride all the way back (But first we scared some ducks on the shore of Lake Bryan really quickly) to Bryan and Pyro's was just closing. Luckily, the awesome hostess waved us in and sat us down. Turns out I'm not even hungry anymore. So Judith decides to not talk to me out of mock anger for a little bit.
Haha, so I finally spilled the beans on what I'm deciding to do with my life. I hadn't told her about my "secret plans" to join Military Sealift Command since August. It was mostly to annoy her for a few months (and of course it worked hehe) and that's the premise of the date. I conned her into a date with me in exchange for telling her what I was doing.
Anyways, my plans for after going to the Hook were to head out to a rarely used road in College Station where I had stashed a huge bag with a comforter, mugs for hot cocoa, and a flashlight. Chris Bundick was going to be meeting me at a predetermined destination with a thermos full of hot cocoa. So theoretically I was going to pull up with her on the bike, he would be there waiting, tosses me a nondescript backpack and off we would jet into the night. Then stargazing with hot cocoa!
None of this occurred. =)
Mom and Dad are thinking of switching to AT&T and my Verizon-based phone has been out for a few days now. So a great big Neg.
That's ok though, even though it was a horrible date we went back to her place after the Pyro place thingy and she grabbed some props. Haha, props you ask? Yes, seems kinky.
We went back to my house and decided to take a ton of the most random photos ever. Most of them are freakin' hilarious and I'll be posting a lot of them on facebook later today. Most likely they're only funny because we were both exhausted (we both work a lot and never get any sleep these days) but it was still a blast.
Exhausted we crashed and slept for 14 hours! Thank God for having Sundays off. Judith is still being lazy and hasn't gotten out of bed. She's watching me as I type up this blog. LoL.
Message to the world: I have the greatest ideas but the poorest skills in execution.
Next blog will be about...The Raft. Of course I'll interject random thoughts as well, but in the meantime comment away!
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