I have a plethora of arbitrary (random) thoughts I would like all of you to think about during the Christmas holidays. Only one pertains to Christmas.
Thought 1:
Cheech Marin in Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke is quite buff. I had no idea trashy Mexicans could be that ripped yet sit around and smoke weed all day. But don't let Senor Cheech of Marijuana, Mexico fool you. Cheech Marin has the largest collection of Chicano art in the world. I actually learned that back in high school. Of course that was the only thing I remember from my dogshit art class. Also it's important to note that Tommy Chong's career is laughable. Therefore Cheech is better than Chong. One more thing, Cheech's name comes from chicharron, spicy fried pork skin.
Thought 2:
I learned a wonderful phrase long ago from my friend Mitch Ingram. The latin phrase cum grano sali means "with a grain of salt." If you and other friends are the only ones who know this phrase's meaning it's always fun to say it around jackasses who use Wikipedia for arguments (see Thought 3).
Thought 3:
Wikipedia is the best source of information in the world for retards and assholes. Hands down. Wikipedia is NEVER wrong (cum grano sali). Wikipedia is the reason that you always lose arguments against said people.
Semi-Intelligent Dude: "Dude, I'm not sure if global warming is really even a problem."
Asshole Douche Using Wikipedia: "Dude, haven't you seen The Day After Tomorrow? According to the scientific report released in 2003, which of course the movie was based on, the influxx of arctic wolves into New York City from their attraction to gum on the sidewalk will cause a massive amount of heat generated by their coats vibrating against the limestone-embedded pavement which in turn will cause a chain reaction leading to the clearing of all Mexico's debts. You don't even know man..."
"...that you're a douche?"
My point exactly.
Thought 4:
Dyeing your cat in Kool-Aid does not work very well. Trust me. I tried it just a few minutes ago (seriously) and it failed. The cat is now licking at such a fast speed that Captain Picard is totally impressed. I'm kinda hoping Aprilia won't die because it's cold outside and burying her would be a total hassle. But of course we do have a freezer...
adaadThought 5:
Where do weevils come from?
(Yes, that's all of Thought 5)
Thought 6:
My Pillar of Cancer, which is comprised of oodles of smokeless tobacco cans, is now 53'' tall. Also, one should always remember that the character ' means feet and " means inches. Spinal Tap got it wrong with their Stonehenge setup and I'm dead serious when I say I've never made the mistake after seeing that movie. SPINAL TAP CHANGED MY LIFE! Yes, yes it did. Anyways, I only need 9 more cans to make my floor to ceiling lamp. It's going to be a "shining" reminder of the constant threat of cancer. *snicker*
Thought 7:
So is it just me or is the French Foreign Legion a hell of a lot more badass than the French Army? Comedy set on the back burner (but keep it there for the next sentence...), Google "french military victories" and go to the first link. SERIOUSLY! Do it NOW! Open a new tab real quick.
If you're really that lazy go here: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html
The Foreign Legion is comprised, yep that's right, of FOREIGNERS. NOT RIFLEDROPPERS. But this is all moot because the battle wouldn't even take place. A memo would be sent to France's leaders and the whole country would cower like mice. Okay, okay, France isn't that bad. They've got great....food? Hell, not even French Fries are really French. Once again, my point exactly.
Thought 8:
Do you know where Rap came from? Me being a skinny white boy and all, I know exactly where it came from! Rap originally came from inner-city, mainly black neighborhoods. Well duh P-T (P-Thuggin), I knew that! Well it originally evolved from the isolation of bass lines from other songs. Think of the basslines in the blues and other genres. Now these more poor cultures of Harlem and other places would stand around with their group of friends and start to talk/sing (along with the beat of course) about their many problems and how they wished life was better. Basslines are easy to sing to because their isn't any guitar riffs to time your entry into lyrics. Anyways, doesn't it just sound like the blues? Yeah, but early rap really was the blues. Picture a group of lower class African-Americans around a burning trashcan singing about their troubles to some deeper bass tones. And there you have it! Now if you've ever heard of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five singing "The Message" you have (arguably of course) the FIRST ever rap song. Since music really does speak to one's soul (No I'm not emo), the fad spread like wildfire to these other neighborhoods and cities and soon the rest of the nation. Now it's evolved into something different, but early rap was NEVER about loads of money and female dogs. Well, perhaps the possiblity of it in the future, but it was usually about the here and the now (which is entirely relative).
(Wow Phil! That was DEEP!!! I know, sometimes I can do that.)
Thought 9:
Christmas and the Holidays. Ya know, we've lost sight of Christmas. But Phil, you're an ultra-Conservative (haha, capitalize that C baby!) Republican! That doesn't mean I don't have inner ooey-gooey feelings. You ever drive by places of business and notice that everyone says "Happy Holidays!" because they're afraid of offending people? COME ON! It's been called Christmas for forever and ever and I'm pretty sure the atheists aren't even truly offended. Watch commercials. You'll see they never say Merry Christmas anymore. If you're truly offended by Christmas you need to quit being a little b**** and MAN UP. If you're offended by that, don't you ever tell another racist, sexist, or religious joke ever again. Quit locking your doors in minority-majority (hehe that was neat) neighborhoods. Those boys over there isolatin' the bass beats just might be singing about Christmas...
So until I have another post....
Add lies to Wikipedia for fun, drink booze, eat reindeer to deter PETA, and remember that even Cheech Marin wants to say what I'm about to:
Merry Christmas.
To quote the greatest Christmas movie of all time,
Yippe Ki Yay Mother ****er,
Phil
PS
There isn't a Part 1 or 2. You didn't miss anything =)
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